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i raised an eyebrow。
‘e nearer。“
i rose from my chair and took a step； halving the distance between us。
slowly she raised her right arm； and held out to me a closed fist that seemed three…quarters precious stones in their clawlike settings。 in a movement that spoke of great effort； she turned her hand and opened it； as though she had some surprise gift concealed and was about to offer it tome。
but there was no gift。 the surprise was the hand itself。
the flesh of her palm was like no flesh i had seen before。 its whitened ridges and purple furrows bore no relation to the pink mound at the base of my fingers； the pale valley of my palm。 melted by fire； her flesh had cooled into an entirely unrecognizable landscape； like a scene left permanently altered by the passage of a flow of lava。 her fingers did not lie open but were drawn into a claw by the shrunken tightness of the scar tissue。 in the heart of her palm； scar within a scar； burn inside burn； was a grotesque mark。 it was set very deep in her clutch； so deep that with a sudden nausea i wondered what had happened to the bone that should be there。 it made sense of the odd set of the hand at the wrist； the way it seemed to weigh upon her arm as though it had no life of its own。 the mark was a circle embedded in her palm； and extending from it； in the direction of the thumb； a short line。
thinking about it now； i realize that the mark had more or less the form of a q； but at the time； in the shock of this unexpected and painful act of revealment； it had no such clarity； and it disturbed me by the appearance on a page of english of an unfamiliar symbol from a lost and unreadable language。
a sudden vertigo took hold of me and i reached behind me for my air。
‘i’m sorry；“ i heard her say。 ”one gets so used to one’s own horrors； one forgets how they must seem to other people。“
i sat down and gradually the blackness at the edge of my vision receded。
miss winter closed her fingers into her damaged palm； swiveled her wrist and drew the jewel…encrusted fist back into her lap。 in a protective gesture she curled the fingers of her other hand around it。
‘i’m sorry you didn’t want to hear my ghost story； miss lea。“
‘i’ll hear it another time。“
our interview was over。
on my way back to my quarters i thought of the letter she had sent me。 the strained and painstaking hand that i had never seen the like of before。 i had put it down to illness。 arthritis perhaps。 now i understood。 from the very first book and through her entire career； miss winter had written her masterpieces with her left hand。
in my study the velvet curtains were green； and a pale gold watermark tin covered the walls。 despite the woolly hush； i was pleased with the room； for the overall effect was relieved by the broad wooden desk and e plain upright chair that stood under the window。 i switched on the desk lamp and laid out the ream of paper i had brought with me； and my twelve pencils。 they were brand…new： unsharpened columns of red； just what i like to start a new project with。 the last thing i took from my bag was my pencil sharpener。 i screwed it like a vise to the edge of the desk and set the paper basket directly underneath。
on impulse i climbed onto the desk and reached behind the elaborate valance to the curtain pole。 my fingers groped for the tops of the curtains； and i felt for the hooks and stitches that attached them。 it was hardly a job for one person； the curtains were floor length； lined and interlined； and their weight； flung over my shoulder； was crushing。 but after a few minutes； first one then the other curtain was folded and in a cupboard。 i stood in the center of the floor and surveyed the result of my work。
the window was a large expanse of dark glass； and in the center of it； my ghost； darkly transparent； was staring in at me。 her world was not unlike my own： the pale outline of a desk on the other side of the glass； and farther back a deeply buttoned armchair placed inside the circle of light cast by a standard lamp。 but where my chair was red； hers was gray； and where my chair stood on an indian rug； surrounded by light gold walls； her chair hovered spectrally in an undefined； endless plane of darkness in which vague forms； like waves； seemed to shift and breathe。
together we began the little ritual of preparing our desks。 we divided a ream of paper into smaller piles and flicked through each one； to let the air in。 one by one we sharpened our pencils； turning the handle and watching the long shavings curl and dangle their way to the paper bin below。 when the last pencil had been shaved to a fine point； we did not put it down with the others； but kept hold of it。
‘there；“ i said to her。 ”ready for work。“
she opened her mouth； seemed to speak to me。 i couldn’t hear what she was saying。
i have no shorthand。 during the interview i had simply jotted down lists of keywords； and my hope was that if i wrote up our interviews immediately afterward； these words would be enough to jog my memory。 and from that first meeting； it worked well。 glancing at my notebook from time to time； i filled the center of my sheets of foolscap with miss winter’s words； conjuring her image in my mind； hearing her voice； seeing her mannerisms。 soon i was hardly aware of my notebook but was taking dictation from the miss winter in my head。
i left wide margins。 in the left…hand one i noted any mannerisms； expressions and gestures that seemed to add something to her meaning。
the right…hand margin i left blank。 later； rereading； it was here that i would enter my own thoughts； ments； questions。
i felt as though i had worked for hours。 i emerged to make myself a cup of cocoa； but it was time suspended and did not disturb the flow of my recreation； i returned to my work and picked up the thread as though there had been no interruption。
‘one gets so used to one’s own horrors； one forgets how they must seem to other people；“ i wrote at last in the middle column； and in the left i added a note describing the way she closed the fingers of her good hand over the closed fist of the damaged one。
i drew a double line under the last line of script； and stretched。 in the window the other me stretched as well。 she took the pencils whose points she had worn and sharpened them one by one。
she was mid…yawn when something began to happen to her face。 first it was a sudden blurring in the center of her forehead； like a blister。 another mark appeared on her cheek； then beneath her eye； on her nose； on her lips。 each new blemish was acpanied by a dull thud； a percussion that grew faster and faster。 in a few seconds her entire face； it seemed； had deposed。
but it was not the work of death。 it was only rain。 the long…awaited rain。
i opened the window； let my hand be drenched； then wiped the water over my eyes and face。 i shivered。 time for bed。
i left the window ajar so that i could listen to the rain as it continued to fall with an even； muffled softness。 i heard it while i was undressing； while i was reading and while i slept。 it acpanied my dreams like a poorly tuned radio left on through the night； broadcasting a fuzzy white noise beneath whic