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but i am sleepy； and though i could write at length of the joys of co…authoring a research paper； it is really time to go to bed。
i have not written for nearly a week and do not offer my usual excuses。 my diary disappeared。
i spoke to emmeline about it—kindly； severely； with offers of chocolate and threats of punishment （and yes； my methods have broken down； but frankly； losing a diary touches one most personally）—but she continues to deny everything。 her denials were consistent and showed many signs of good faith。 anyone not knowing the circumstances would have believed her。 knowing her as i do； i found the theft unexpected myself and find it hard to explain it within the general progress she has made。 she cannot read and has no interest in other people’s thoughts and inner lives； other than so far as they affect her directly。 why should she want it？ presumably it is the shine of the lock that tempted her—her passion for shiny things is undiminished； and i do not try to reduce it； it is usually harmless enough。 but i am disappointed in her。
if i were to judge by her denials and her character alone； i would conclude that she was innocent of the theft。 but the fact remains that it cannot have been anyone else。
john？ mrs。 dunne？ even supposing that the servants should have wanted to steal my diary； which i don’t believe for a minute； i remember clearly that they were busy elsewhere in the house when it went missing。 in case i was wrong about this； i brought the conversation around to their activities； and john confirms that mrs。 dunne was in the kitchen all morning （“making a right racket； too； ” he told me）。 she confirms that john was at the coach house mending the car （“noisy old job ”）。 it cannot have been either of them。
and so； having eliminated all the other suspects i am obliged to believe that it was emmeline。
and yet i cannot shake off my misgivings。 even now i can picture her face—so innocent in appearance； so distressed at being accused—and i am forced to wonder； is there some additional factor at play here that i have failed to take into account？ when i view the matter in this light it gives rise to an uneasiness in me： i am suddenly overwhelmed by the presentiment that none of my plans is destined to e to fruition。 something has been against me ever since i came to this house！ something that wants to thwart me and frustrate me in every project i undertake！ i have checked and rechecked my thinking； retraced every step in my logic； i can find no flaw； yet still i find myself beset by doubt… what is it that i am failing to see？
reading over this last paragraph lam struck by the most uncharacteristic lack of confidence in my tone。 it is surely only tiredness that makes me think thus。 an unrested mind is prone to wander into unfruitful avenues； it is nothing that a good nights sleep cannot cure。
besides； it is all over now。 here i am； writing in the missing diary。 i locked emmeline in her room for four hours； the next day for six； and she knew the day after； it would be eight。 on the second day； shortly after i came down from unlocking her door i found the diary on my desk in the schoolroom。 she must have slipped down very quietly to put it there； i did not see her go past the library door to the schoolroom even though i left the door open deliberately。 but it was returned。 so there is no room for doubt； is there？
i am so tired and yet i cannot sleep。 i hear steps in the night； but when i go to my door and look into the corridor there is no one there。
i confess it made me uneasy—makes me uneasy still—to think that this little book was out of my possession even for two days。 the thought of another person reading my words is most disforting。 i cannot help but think how another person would interpret certain things i have written； for when i write for myself only； and know perfectly well the truth of what i write； i am perhaps less careful of my expression； and writing at speed； may sometimes express myself in a way that could be misinterpreted by another who would not have my insight into what i really mean。 thinking over some of the things i have written （the doctor and the pencil—such an insignificant event— hardly worth writing about at all really）； i can see that they might appear to a stranger in a light rather different from what i intended； and i wonder whether i should tear out these pages and destroy them。 only i do not want to； for these are the pages that i most want to keep； to read later； when i am old and gone from here； and think back to the happiness of my work and the challenge of our great project。
why should a scientific friendship not be a source of joy？ it is no less scientific for that； is it？
but perhaps the answer is to stop writing altogether； for when i do write； even now as i write this very sentence； this very word； i am aware of a ghost reader who leans over my shoulder watching my pen； who twists my words and perverts my meaning； and makes me unfortable in the privacy of my own thoughts。
it is very aggravating to be presented to oneself in a light so different from the familiar one； even when it is clearly a false light。
i will not write any more。
endings
．。
THE GHOST IN THE TALE
生小说＿网
thoughtfully i lifted my eyes from the final page of hester’s diary。 a number of things had struck my attention as i had been reading it； and now that i had finished； i had the leisure to consider them more methodically。
oh； i thought。
oh。
and then； oh！
how to describe my eureka？ it began as a stray what if； a wild conjecture； an implausible notion。 it was； well； not impossible perhaps； but absurd！ for a start—
about to begin marshaling the sensible counterarguments； i stopped dead in my tracks。 for my mind； racing ahead of itself in a momentous act of premonition； had already submitted to this revised version of events。 in a single moment； a moment of vertiginous； kaleidoscopic bedazzlement； the story miss winter had told me unmade and remade itself； in every event identical； in every detail the same—yet entirely； profoundly different。 like those images that reveal a young bride if you hold the page one way； and an old crone if you hold it the other。 like the sheets of random dots that disguise teapots or clown faces or rouen cathedrals if you can only learn to see them。 the truth had been there all along； only now had i seen it。
there followed a long hour of musing。 one element at a time； taking all the different angles separately； i reviewed everything i knew。 everything i had been told and everything i had discovered。 yes； i thought。 and yes； again。 that； and that； and that； too。 my new knowledge blew life into the story。 it began to breathe。 and as it did so； it began to mend。 the jagged edges smoothed themselves。 the gaps filled themselves in。 the missing parts were regenerated。 puzzles explained themselves； and mysteries were mysteries no longer。
at last； after all the tale telling and all the yarn spinning； after the smoke screens and the trick mirrors and the double bluffs； i knew。
i knew what hester saw that day she thought she saw a ghost。
i knew the identity of the boy in the garden。
i