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ng bad might be permitted to e down the chimney and fetch you away。”
they went; shutting the door; and locking it behind them。
the red…room was a square chamber; very seldom slept in; i might say never; indeed; unless when a chance influx of visitors at gateshead hall rendered it necessary to turn to account all the acmodation it contained: yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers in the mansion。 a bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany; hung with curtains of deep red damask; stood out like a tabernacle in the centre; the two large windows; with their blinds always drawn down; were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery; the carpet was red; the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson cloth; the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it; the wardrobe; the toilet…table; the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany。 out of these deep surrounding shades rose high; and glared white; the piled…up mattresses and pillows of the bed; spread with a snowy marseilles counterpane。 scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easy…chair near the head of the bed; also white; with a footstool before it; and looking; as i thought; like a pale throne。
this room was chill; because it seldom had a fire; it was silent; because remote from the nursery and kitchen; solemn; because it was known to be so seldom entered。 the house…maid alone came here on saturdays; to wipe from the mirrors and the furniture a week’s quiet dust: and mrs。 reed herself; at far intervals; visited it to review the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe; where were stored divers parchments; her jewel…casket; and a miniature of her deceased husband; and in those last words lies the secret of the red…room—the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur。
mr。 reed had been dead nine years: it was in this chamber he breathed his last; here he lay in state; hence his coffin was borne by the undertaker’s men; and; since that day; a sense of dreary consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion。
my seat; to which bessie and the bitter miss abbot had left me riveted; was a low ottoman near the marble chimney…piece; the bed rose before me; to my right hand there was the high; dark wardrobe; with subdued; broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to my left were the muffled windows; a great looking…glass between them repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room。 i was not quite sure whether they had locked the door; and when i dared move; i got up and went to see。 alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure。 returning; i had to cross before the looking…glass; my fascinated glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed。 all looked colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the strange little figure there gazing at me; with a white face and arms specking the gloom; and glittering eyes of fear moving where all else was still; had the effect of a real spirit: i thought it like one of the tiny phantoms; half fairy; half imp; bessie’s evening stories represented as ing out of lone; ferny dells in moors; and appearing before the eyes of belated travellers。 i returned to my stool。
superstition was with me at that moment; but it was not yet her hour for plete victory: my blood was still warm; the mood of the revolted slave was still bracing me with its bitter vigour; i had to stem a rapid rush of retrospective thought before i quailed to the dismal present。
all john reed’s violent tyrannies; all his sisters’ proud indifference; all his mother’s aversion; all the servants’ partiality; turned up in my disturbed mind like a dark deposit in a turbid well。 why was i always suffering; always browbeaten; always accused; for ever condemned? why could i never please? why was it useless to try to win any one’s favour? eliza; who was headstrong and selfish; was respected。 georgiana; who had a spoiled temper; a very acrid spite; a captious and insolent carriage; was universally indulged。 her beauty; her pink cheeks and golden curls; seemed to give delight to all who looked at her; and to purchase indemnity for every fault。 john no one thwarted; much less punished; though he twisted the necks of the pigeons; killed the little pea…chicks; set the dogs at the sheep; stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit; and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory: he called his mother “old girl;” too; sometimes reviled her for her dark skin; similar to his own; bluntly disregarded her wishes; not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire; and he was still “her own darling。” i dared mit no fault: i strove to fulfil every duty; and i was termed naughty and tiresome; sullen and sneaking; from morning to noon; and from noon to night。
my head still ached and bled with the blow and fall i had received: no one had reproved john for wantonly striking me; and because i had turned against him to avert farther irrational violence; i was loaded with general opprobrium。
“unjust!—unjust!” said my reason; forced by the agonising stimulus into precocious though transitory power: and resolve; equally wrought up; instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupportable oppression—as running away; or; if that could not be effected; never eating or drinking more; and letting myself die。
what a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon! how all my brain was in tumult; and all my heart in insurrection! yet in what darkness; what dense ignorance; was the mental battle fought! i could not answer the ceaseless inward question—why i thus suffered; now; at the distance of—i will not say how many years; i see it clearly。
i was a discord in gateshead hall: i was like nobody there; i had nothing in harmony with mrs。 reed or her children; or her chosen vassalage。 if they did not love me; in fact; as little did i love them。 they were not bound to regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise with one amongst them; a heterogeneous thing; opposed to them in temperament; in capacity; in propensities; a useless thing; incapable of serving their interest; or adding to their pleasure; a noxious thing; cherishing the germs of indignation at their treatment; of contempt of their judgment。 i know that had i been a sanguine; brilliant; careless; exacting; handsome; romping child—though equally dependent and friendless—mrs。 reed would have endured my presence more placently; her children would have entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow…feeling; the servants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of the nursery。
daylight began to forsake the red…room; it was past four o’clock; and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight。 i heard the rain still beating continuously on the staircase window; and the wind howling in the grove behind the hall; i grew by degrees cold as a stone; and then my courage sank。 my habitual mood of humiliation; self…doubt; forlorn depression; fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire。 all said i was wicked; and perhaps i might be so; what thought had i been but just conceiving of starving myself to death? that certainly was a crime: and was i fit to die? or